STRAYING AND COMING BACK HOME TO THE SELF

Topanga, CA

Sometime between the lockdown of COVID and early winter of 2022/2023, I lost myself. This is not the first time this has occurred in my life. We humans tend to get lost as we navigate life – the grime accumulates on our perspective, and we lose sight of our Self. But there was something slow and insidious about this time where I did not know I was lost until I had strayed substantially before being startled back to awareness.

My husband and I were sitting with our financial planner for the yearly review. He is a great, kind guy and very trusted. But the moment he mentioned the fact of being fourteen some years from retirement, I suddenly and shockingly had to fight back tears. There was something about that moment that allowed me to be raw and honest in realizing “I’m not okay.”

I had not felt okay in that I was more tired than usual, less joyful. And in this moment, I also realized I was no longer enjoying my work and the thought of feeling this way for fourteen more years was disheartening.

I shared this revelation with a dear friend. She too had noticed I was not “me,” and suggested that perhaps I take some time to revitalize. And while the observation was validating that I was not making this up, my reaction to this observation and suggestion was, what I can only understand now in hindsight, grief – as in I reacted in a series of emotions to my loss of purpose.

First came denial: “I’m fine!” Fine, a word that often lands with disdain because it is avoidant and inauthentic to one’s deeper emotional state. I am even recalling that Aerosmith has a song called F.I.N.E. where the title is an acronym for F**ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. The use of fine might be very diagnostic. Yes, I certainly met the “fine” criteria.

Next perhaps anger presented: “It’s not like someone died. I don’t think I need to be that serious about it.”

Then bargaining followed: But I do “the things.” I practice yoga and meditate, journal and workout. I’ll be fine. (There’s that word again!)

Soon sadness surfaced. This looked like moodiness, some tearfulness, backing off from some efforts into more stillness and solitude.

Finally, acceptance: It’s okay to not be okay. And let’s consider what to do about this.

Consider I did. The idea of getting away appealed to me. A reprieve from work, mothering, choring, etc. felt right. But if I am honest, I struggled to give myself permission to take time away and spend money on myself for something that was not a “medical necessity” (or so I told myself).

I told myself “No” because: “You don’t need it. It’s too far. It costs too much. You’re too introvertly and socially awkward to be around a group of people you don’t know. You’ll miss your plants (like what!?). You’ll be fine.” All the excuses.

After tussling for a few weeks with these assigned beliefs, I finally said “yes” because: “You can, and you need this.”

The joy is still palpable and buzzing weeks later after weekend retreat with Schuyler Grant and Jeff Krasno in Topanga, CA at their Commune Lab. All things yoga and wellness and community and healing. My body, mind, and soul feel nourished, rejuvenated, and inspired.

This retreat was just the formula I needed to get grounded, clear the grime off my heart, and to come home to my Self. But, healing from being not okay does not necessarily require a retreat. Healing might just require a new perspective. Sometimes this “new” brings you back to the “old.”

Think about the way you feel post-vacation. Yes, there’s rest and relaxation, but even more transformative is the new experiences in your skin. After spending time in a new environment, a new routine, new activities, there is a freshness, or newfound space that arises. Then returning home you can discern what no longer feels right. You can question if there is a way to maintain that lightness and freedom. This perspective and freedom might come from a day trip, a long walk, or even taking a new way to work. Maybe it comes from getting up at an earlier time of day. Perspective can change after changing up when and how you do the things you “have” to do.

Despite the way you seek perspective and lightness, how do you know when you have wound your way back home to your Self? You remember who you are, who you have always been, apart from the beliefs collected, narratives repeated, roles assigned. You recall how to connect to yourself, your people, and community. And you identify practices to keep on remembering.

In life we will stray, but we can come back home to the Self.